Help! I’m An Amazombie!

Good God almighty! Who is that in the mirror? What have I become?

I never planned for this. I never expected my life to veer off society’s byways into such a dead end.

I never thought I’d spend my days like some kind of isolated religious aesthete observing a perverted vow of silence. But here I am, sitting all alone with nary another soul in sight. And I probably won’t see one for several days … that is unless a FedEx van pulls up with my latest order.

Of course I probably won’t see the van or the driver, and if I do I probably won’t talk with him or her. I remember I did once, but that was a long time ago.

I guess I’ve got to admit it. I can’t avoid it or hide it or deny it any longer. I’m still alive but I’m dead to the outside world because …


It wasn’t always like this. I used to get up in the morning ready to tackle my chores, shopping at Safeway for example. I’d see clerks who worked there who seemed to actually know me … they even acted like they enjoyed seeing me. No longer. AmazonFresh does my grocery shopping for me faster and cheaper than I could do by myself, which is one reason why …

I’ve become an AMAZOMBIE!

I used to go to Best Buy or Bed, Bath and Beyond or Home Depot or Barnes and Noble, but not any more. No need to. Amazon offers a far better selection for less money. I don’t even need to get out of my easy chair! So it’s adios clerks and the friends I’d  run into  …

I’ve become an AMAZOMBIE!

Gotta hurry! Gotta hurry! Gotta hurry!

I don’t need to hassle with butchers, bakers or candlestick makers these days … not in person anyway. Nope. I can get what I need from Amazon. In fact the only live person I have to deal with now is my local FedEx driver, and I don’t even have to do that if I don’t feel like it because …

I’ve become an AMAZOMBIE!

Besides, the FedEx driver and I don’t have time to waste on trivial matters like gossip and useless chatter. They’ve got vans overflowing with goodies from Amazon they’ve got to deliver pronto, and I’ve got a list of things to do around the house. So you see, it’s a fact …

I’ve become an AMAZOMBIE!

Like I said, I never planned on it. I never dreamed of it, but here I am, at the dawn of a revolutionary, new world! One that’s cheap, convenient and easy! And so what if it’s solitary and lonely, that’s a small price to pay to be able to kick-back and live it up in AMAZOMBIE LANDisn’t it?





About Joe Illing

I hope you'll find my posts entertaining, occasionally edifying and worth whatever time you can spend with them ... Joe
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